Reflections

My time in Egypt traveling around with my family has been great. I have exhausted myself, but also had a chance to relax and try to recover a little from my time here in Africa. Unfortunately, that time relaxing, as good as it was, really just meant everything caught up with me. A lot of time doing very little I find is conducive to a lot of thinking.

I got thinking about the high expectations I left NZ with, about the effect I may or may not have had here, about whether or not I have really been changed, about many things. The problem with high expectations is that you potentially set yourself up for disappointment. Don't get me wrong, it's good to have an expectant heart, and I don't regret holding onto that, but maybe I expected too much. Three months really isn't a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. Was it realistic to expect to be dramatically changed in three months when it's taken almost 25 years to shape who I am now? I am not an idealist by any stretch of the imagination, and I don't think I was being naive, so maybe this was God's way of reminding me that He's not into the quick fix. He likes to build us like oak trees that take years to grow and have solid roots, rather than mushrooms which grow overnight, but have no foundation at all.

I have heard it said that people hear the voice of God more clearly here. I'm not sure why. My guess is that it's something to do with being away from all the distractions of home and all the crap we busy ourselves with. Certainly, being away from all that was great. In terms of hearing His voice more clearly, that was not the case for me. I struggled intensely with the silence. Silence is always hard, but in this environment, when you can't fill it with all the busyness of home life, the silence is deafening. I know He was there with me all the way, and reading back through my journal, I can see moments here and there where He was reminding me of His presence. I needed to constantly remind myself of the words of Jesus. To paraphrase; blessed are those who have seen and believed, so how much more will the blessing be for those who have not seen, yet still believed! This was the greatest testing of my faith to date. To believe despite the silence.

My reflections so far have been very much a case of more questions. Maybe that's the epitome of this struggle that is following Jesus.

R

A Closed Door

After a few weeks of waiting and praying for this work permit application to come through, I have finally heard that it has been declined. It's a little complicated, but basically there is a bit of confusion between the Ethiopian government and the British High Commission. All that means is that my documents cannot be authenticated to the level Ethiopia would like. It's kinda pathetic and immensely frustrating, but it's out of my hands.

This has been a real disappointment as I was getting pretty excited about heading down to Makki. A little strange that my trip began and ended with disappointment about not being able to go to Makki! Despite this disappointment, I have accepted that it is in God's hands and I trust Him with this. In applying for the work permit, I was essentially laying a fleece and asking Him to open or close the door, and this feels like a big closed door. This has also been confirmed by the fact that the government would allow an extension of my business visa, but would not make it a multiple-entry visa. I could leave to do my travel, but couldn't come back, so both avenues through which to go to Makki have been closed.

A couple days before I got this news, I felt a real peace about whatever the outcome. Either way I was happy. Now that I know for sure, I am excited about coming home and seeing the people I love and miss so much. It feels a little premature, but as I said, it's out of my hands. Getting back into life at home won't be easy. I have been challenged and stretched significantly in these 3 short months, and finding my place in our comfortable society will be easier said than done. If I am able to slot back into life the way I lived it when I left, something will be seriously wrong! I don't know exactly what that means, but I know a lot will need to change.

Leaving Langano was hard. The relationships I built there were great, and I had a real bond with both the missionaries and the locals. They seemed genuinely gutted I was leaving, and they had me in tears with the things they said at my gibsha (farewell). I think there is something really unique about the relationships you build with people who you are in ministry with. When you share so much and are so dependent on one another, there is a bond that I believe happens on a spiritual level. It has been amazing to experience that.

I am now in Cairo, Egypt. I arrived yesterday to meet my family here. It's great to see familiar faces again and to have a break from the mission field. I think it's all going to catch up with me soon. I have a lot of processing a reflection to do, which will take some time and some perspective. For the first time in my life, I honestly feel like I can't find the words to articulate this experience, or my thoughts and feelings. I don't know how to tell this story. I'm really praying that God will give me some perspective.

I have 10 days here in Egypt doing the tourist thing, then a week in Thailand visiting friends working in the refugee camps on the Myanmar border. They will put me to work there, and I am looking forward to experiencing a very different type of mission field. After that I COME HOME!

Thanks again to everyone who has supported me in so many ways. Many times I really felt I have been carried on the prayers of my brothers and sisters at home.

Peace and love.

Rowan